Stabilized Friendship, Part 2: GAMES NIGHT!

I recently read that “relatability is based on vulnerability, which creates likability” and it made me think of this stage of friendship. Making friends is hard to begin with, and opening yourself up to a new friend is even harder. But the reward of vulnerability is making a connection, and ultimately, forming an engaging and enjoyable friendship, which is worth the cost of admitting to being a gaming nerd.

As mentioned in the previous post, this fifth stage of friendship is defined as achieving complete trust. This can only be done if you open yourself up and share information. For Kathryn, I am sure the thought of divulging her love of Euro Games face-to-face would have been terrifying, but thanks to faceversating, it was easier to open up. It was also easier for me to display my e-vulnerable side when I admitted to having never heard of the award-winning board game, Settlers of Catan.

Kathryn Rawson August 19 at 12:16pm
Funny you bring up your love of scrabble because there is something I have to tell you: I am a gaming nerd. I understand if you want to stop talking to me. About once a week I play board games with a small group of friends. You may have heard of the game Settlers of Catan. We play games similar to that but even more extreme. Please tell me how this affects our relationship. Also tell me if I used the correct 'affect/effect' in that sentence. It is a bit of grammar I still struggle with.

Rachel Kagan August 19 at 3:04pm
I think I have heard references to Catan and didn’t know what it meant, but I just Wikipedia’d it and now I sort of understand (the part about the hexagon confused me) and I am intrigued. But don’t worry, our relationship is still intact. And your use of affect was correct. I am proud of you. I grammatically struggle with who’s and whose.

Kathryn Rawson August 19 at 4:48pm
I once had a teacher that told me there was a version of 'which' spelled 'wich'. And not just as a suffix for sand. It confused me for many years. I did not think a teacher could possibly be wrong. But I was wrong. Just like my teacher.

Rachel Kagan August 27 at 1:10pm
Games night! Mind is quasi-blown.

Kathryn Rawson September 1 at 12:24pm
I know you are worried that you haven't been to games night yet, But it's okay, we are on a slight break right now while my sister prepares to move. My sister is pregnant, did I tell you that? I can't remember. I am going to be an auntie. I am looking forward to being a person who knows how to hold a baby correctly.

Rachel Kagan September 1 at 2:47pm
Congratulations to sister Rawson! When is she due? You will be a good aunt. Wait, is she moving to that condo? Does that mean you are too? Should I buy a condo?

Do you like logic games or only settlement type games? Have you heard of Mastermind? Other than when people call you that, of course.

Kathryn Rawson September 1 at 5:15pm
She is due mid January. Yes, the same condo. Yes, please buy a condo in my building so the douchebag levels go down and so we can finally start our True Blood fan club.

Logic games are good too. My sister has Mastermind and sometimes we play it. My sister, our friend Finch and I are the core members of the gaming circle. My sister and I are open to playing all games but Finch is a euro game purist. Settlers is a euro game. I will stop with the game talk now.

Rachel Kagan September 2 at 9:31am
So I only like the Mastermind from the 70s with the mysterious weirdos on the cover. Do you know it? The new one is ass.

I don't think I should go to games night if Finch is there. His euro game purity scares me. I already feel like I've somehow offended him. I am not sure why, but I am pretty worried about offending Finch.

Kathryn Rawson September 2 at 11:41am
Yes, I remember those mysterious weirdos. You are talking about my childhood babysitters, right?

No don't worry, Finch is a nice person. Ha! Nice is the wrong word. He is a person. You haven't offended him. The fact that you are even somewhat interested in games has already made you his lifelong friend.

Kathryn Rawson September 13 at 4:42pm
I was going to ask you if you wanted to come to your first games night on Sunday. This is exciting/scary for you because you will meet new people. Would you like to do that?

Rachel Kagan September 14 at 9:24am
Games night! I will come and be scared, thank you. Are there rules or an agenda? How do I prepare?

Kathryn Rawson September 14 at 11:54am
There are no rules to games night beyond the rules of each game we play. You should know that we have customized our joking to particular games. It is quite nerdy. Prepare yourself. You are smart, you will pick it up quickly. We will likely play 2 or 3 games depending on time. I have suggested we start with Settlers of Catan as it was our gateway to euro games. I will give you a run down of those in attendance:

Me: you know me. I occasionally get upset while playing Talisman if people steal from me or I get turned into a toad. Otherwise I am a sporting player and do not begrudge others for winning.

Lora: my sister. We have very similar mannerisms, sense of humour etc. Only some people think we look alike. An all around sporting player, even during Talisman.

Bronwyn: you have met. Bronwyn is a stickler for the rules but she also likes to try to bend the rules to her needs. She will say "can I do this", we all go "no". Then she will say, "but can I do that", we all go "NO!".

Branko: I believe I mentioned that Branko and Bronwyn dated. When we play Talisman he likes to be the minstrel and sing everything he says.

Finch: he is obsessed with games. He is a classic rock and roll person. And a sporting player.

Ivan: Ivan is my brother in law. He may or may not be there. He won't be playing. He is only okay with games. He is the best guy a sister could ever want for another sister.

Glossary:

Yoinkle-Doinkle: an expression we use when something especially bad or something especially good happens.

Natch Finch: this is used to describe finch when he has no alcohol or marijuana in his system, a rare event.

Sew My Dreams: used to tell someone to 'fuck off' in a less salty manner. Has fallen out of favour recently.

Gamesbrary: Finch has so many games we invented this term for his place.

We sometimes give people fake demerit points for ridiculous reasons. Lora records them in a notebook. They are meaningless but they make Bronwyn extremely mad.

I think I have prepared you as best as possible. One last thing, Talisman may or may not be played.

Rachel Kagan September 14 at 2:19pm
I thoroughly enjoyed this message. It has all the things I like: order, explanations, fake words, and humour. Thank you for taking the time to explain your world to me. I am scared and intrigued.

This is what I am looking forward to:

1. Meeting your sister.
2. Judging the people silently.
3. Giving Bronwyn at least 2 demerit points.
4. Maybe meeting Ivan. I like how you said what you said about him being the best a sister could ask for.

Things I am scared about:

1. Offending Finch.
2. Getting turned into a gaming nerd (I mean that respectfully).
3. Playing the games. Wait, am I playing? Or do I observe? I don’t want to be the kid that everyone has to explain everything to all the time. Then Finch will get mad (see point #1 of this section). I just looked up Talisman and now I know what it is. It is not just an energy company.
4. Receiving a negative yoinkle-doinkle.

Can I drink wine when I am there? I am going to need something to take the edge off all the daunting newness you are exposing me to. Is there some customary offering I should bring? I hope it is nothing sacrificial.

Kathryn Rawson September 14 at 4:20pm
I'm sorry to disappoint you but Bronwyn cannot make it on Sunday. You will have to reserve your demerit points and give her 4 next time. You can for sure drink wine. Some people bring snacks (me, Bronwyn). Other people bring cartons of milk for themselves (Finch). Others don't bring anything (Branko). You will definitely be playing.

Rachel Kagan September 14 at 5:09pm
Please tell Bronwyn she gets 25 demerit points for not coming on Sunday and that it will be recorded in your sister’s log in permanent marker.

I can bring snacks too and maybe some Magic: The Gathering cards to try to fit in.

Kathryn Rawson September 15 at 11:14am
Ha ha those 25 demerit points will kill Bronwyn. You already get games night. I won't actually tell her though else you guys might have a games-related brawl. And no one wants to see that.

Rachel Kagan September 19 at 8:39am
Games night!!

Kathryn Rawson September 20 at 10:52am
Please tell me your review of games night and of each new person you met. I liked it when you called Finch old.

Rachel Kagan September 20 at 12:22pm
Last night was fun. I really enjoyed the first two games but I felt lost playing that last one, which is disappointing since I think it was a smart one so then I felt dumb-ish. Your friends are funny and welcoming.

Lora: nice, funny and in control. I looked for a likeness between your persons and there is some but not a lot, but you have similar facial expressions.

Finch: I am intrigued by his tattoos. I am also intrigued by yours but I haven’t told you this yet. He is quick witted and I like salt-and-pepper hair on a man. I semi-regret asking him if he was a "visual" artist. That made me vulnerable to his scathing humour. What was I thinking!

Branko: he’s funny. I enjoyed when everyone picked on him.

Kathryn: you’re still okay by me.

Pepper: cute! I tend to like bigger dogs but Pepper has a big personality and I quite like her. Don’t tell her though. I don’t want it going to her head.

Did you have fun? Was it a different dynamic with me there?

Kathryn Rawson September 20 at 2:12pm
Don't feel dumb-ish about games. I too was lost for a while during Small World but then my knowledge of other games came through for me. I have been playing similar games for a few years now, you were good for a beginner.

I think you did well in the Rachel vs Finch battle of comedic wits. I have seen other people crumble.

I will definitely not tell Pepper how you feel about her. She is so spoiled due to her cuteness, she doesn't need a bigger ego. I also like bigger dogs better as a general statement but I love Pepper a lot. My dog is a bigger dog.

The dynamic actually wasn't very different with you there, which is a compliment.

Stabilized Friendship, Part 1: ROADTRIP!

One where the participants have developed complete trust in each other. It involves both trusting behavior, which is any behavior that increases someone's vulnerability to another, and trustworthy behavior, which is a response to trusting behavior that protects the vulnerability of the other person. People weigh the possible costs and rewards for disclosing personal information and use that to decide whether they will open up more or not.


Rachel and I were still emailing each other daily at this point and we had maintained our human interaction to acceptable levels. We trusted each other, but how much? Enough to spend an entire day together in a confined space on the open road? Let me explain, I love road trips and cannot go for long without talking about them. And since Rachel and I had already passed the sharing our dislikes and likes stage, she knew this about me and was intrigued. But! A road trip can go horribly wrong if the people chemistry is off. I have seen them end in tears and murder. Like mind murder, when you imagine murdering someone because they have become so annoying to you that their death seems the only way out. For this new friendship, passing the road trip test would be equivalent to complete trust. It would mean we would be real, official friends. Was it a success? Or did I mind murder her? Only one way to find out.

Rachel Kagan September 2 at 9:31am

Hey, do you want to go on a road trip?



Kathryn Rawson September 2 at 11:41am 

Great idea! Let's go on a road trip. Fax me your ideal itinerary.



Rachel Kagan September 2 at 2:42pm

Road trip! My only worry would be you getting sick of me and then hating me forever but regardless of that minor insecurity I look forward to this.

Kathryn Rawson September 2 at 4:41pm
Why don't we do a day trip to buffalo to check out the Albright Knox gallery? We could also go to a gun range and shoot machine guns but maybe that's not your cup of tea. I would also be happy to eat wings. Are you a vegetarian though? I can't believe I don't know the answer to that.



I once drove to buffalo with my friend Ed. We got stopped at the border for 2 hours due to his British-ness. I was still friends with him after that harrowing experience so I'm sure we will be fine.



When my sister and I were kids and driving with my mom she would sometimes say "let's just drive to florida right now!". And we would go "yaaaaayyyyy". But then we never did. Now I have the power to self-drive to florida but I never do. I guess I inherited my mom's capacity for big ideas with no follow-through.



Rachel Kagan September 3 at 9:14am

A day trip to Buffalo would be great. Yaaaayyyy! I’m not sure about the gun range but I support everything you do so I can go as an observer. I am sort of a vegetarian. Basically I only eat kosher meat, which means I don’t eat meat often unless I go to my parents. I have experimented with non-kosher and it’s fine and all, but I enjoy having boundaries so I keep kosher, but not in an extreme way. I am sure a wings establishment will have other non-winged food for me to eat.

I like it when you said self drive. Even in September you are funny. Amazing.

Kathryn Rawson September 21 at 10:49am 

How do you feel about visiting Target while we are there? Do you love Target? I do. And not just because they sell Diet Cherry Coke Zero. Also, how do you feel about leaving early to maximize our Buffalo enjoyment? Like say 8am or so.



Rachel Kagan September 21 at 12:57pm

I cannot absolutely declare my love for Target since I’ve only been there twice and both times were with extremely stressful. Here is one example of why it was so stressful: I watched a man try to rip open an unpurchased cell phone charger to see if it would fit his cell phone. I guess the information on the product saying it would fit his brand and model of cell phone was not believable enough. Anyway, as you may know some of those more rigid plastic packages are extremely difficult to open without a chainsaw and so he cut himself on the packaging and started bleeding in the store and on the product. It’s okay though because it fit. So he decided to buy it. But not that one. He put that one back and took a new one since that one was clearly ruined and looked like it could be an exhibit from a murder scene. Unfortunately and unfairly I associate Target with stress and blood. But it was a long time ago and I feel much better about going with you and Bronwyn.



I also feel good about leaving early. Should I come to your place at 8am?



Kathryn Rawson September 21 at 2:48pm 

This trip to Target will be different, I promise. we will buy cheap Larabars. Bronwyn will buy cleaning products. I will look at the nail polish but decide I have enough already. There will be no blood or stressful scenes of package opening.



Check this out, I can pick you up. That is the service I offer for road trips. Try to contain your excitement. I will print out many sets of directions to be safe.



Rachel Kagan September 21 at 4:01pm

Check! Thanks for the pick-up offer. I will send you directions later. Not because I think you may appear outside my window tonight, but because I have more to say and I don’t want you to get distracted by directions and addresses.



Kathryn Rawson September 21 at 5:39pm 

No it's good that you don't give me directions until you absolutely have to. I like to do pick-up dry-runs so I would be at your window every day until Sunday. You have saved us both a fair amount of anxiety.



Kathryn Rawson September 24 at 2:40pm 

I am very excited for Sunday. It will be a good day.



Is it wrong that I find the return of fall programming so comforting? I really enjoyed sitting on my couch for 3 hours last night to watch television.



Rachel Kagan September 24 at 4:04pm

I am also as excited for Sunday as you are. The same amount. Okay, maybe 5% more.



No, it is a very right feeling. Everything about fall is great: tv, crisp weather, tights, leaves, soups, etc.


Kathryn Rawson September 25 at 5:04pm 

Did I mention that I paid a gypsy $10 to create a psychic connection between us? It's just a little gift that I thought you would like.

I plan to leave my house at 8am tomorrow to come pick you up so I should be there at 8:20. I will text you when I am somewhat near. Buffalo!



Now I am going to try and catch up on my Zips.

Will Netflix tempt us away from Zip? that is an approved topic of discussion for tomorrow.

Rachel Kagan September 25 at 8:03pm


Ooohhh! That explains why I always know what you are thinking. It's always wise to invest with the gypsies.



I have to research Netflix in order to partake in our conversation. Here are a few other, pending-approval topics: your review of that pre-lip-debacle Meg Ryan movie; Rocky vs. Mad Max: who would win; not politics; red velvet cake: body wash vs. cake form, which is better; weather patterns.

Road trip! I look forward to your near-destination text.

I have to go watch a lot of HBO now.



Rachel Kagan September 27 at 9:30am

Thanks again for the door-to-door service and all the safe driving you did yesterday. You are good at road trips, and very easy-going.



Let us never go see that Katherine Heigel and Josh Duhamel movie.

I hope your sleep was restful and not impacted by American coke zero.

Kathryn Rawson September 27 at 11:41am

You're most welcome. I think that was a very successful road trip. We saw many great things, bought great things, got along great and sailed through the border like professionals. It's rare that people will agree to have 2 meals within a 3 hour period so I was happy we all seemed to like that.



We will never ever see that movie. I might watch it on a plane one day but only if that plane is taking me straight to hell.

I slept quite well thank you, despite the fact that I ate like an American yesterday. How did you sleep?



Rachel Kagan September 27 at 2:37pm

I slept well too. Aside from a brief disturbance by my insomniac, loud-footed upstairs neighbour. I put my sleep machine on and it soothed me. Yes, I am that neurotic to own a sleep machine.



You should also know that every time we start a new message thread (twice), I am filled with nostalgia for the old message threads (twice). Clearly I am now not even trying to hide my craziness from you which means that I owe you a congratulations, since we have made it to the next level (the level where I don't hide my craziness).



Kathryn Rawson September 27 at 4:42pm 

I love getting fake prizes. we usually drive home from the Buff around dinner time. There is often bad traffic and a wait at the border.



Don't worry! The old message threads are still there. our messages are like friends and you know the saying: make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other's gold. Our old messages are like shiny, precious gold.



Is that even a saying? Or something I was forced to sing at Brownies?

Nascent Friendship: Trust Me!

Holy fishsticks! We are one stage away from becoming fully stabilized, which is every friendship journey’s goal. But in retrospect, talk about pressure! There was a lot riding on us during this stage and we didn’t even know it. We were making the careful leap of moving from just sharing biographical facts with each other, to trusting each other with the truth. The truth! Ahhh!

By sharing our precious internal mind possessions, those being our thoughts and ideas, we were growing our friendship. We started with my sharing my dream to produce an infomericial for a band-aid dispenser. Oh yeah, we also talked about how we feel about relationships and ambition, other important things to share and be honest about.

Rachel Kagan July 27 at 11:36am
A cottage for a week sounds so great, though I will miss our virtual communication. You have helped make Facebook a better place.

The infomercial idea has a good physical humour element to it, but I see you are testing my writing abilities so here goes. Note that my idea is (a) classified and (2) loosely inspired by both Ron Popiel and Quentin Tarantino.

Picture it: woman in kitchen, making dinner, cutting vegetables with a large knife, large knife cuts her finger badly, lots and lots of blood is spurting everywhere (think Tarantino), the white cupboards are splashed with blood as is her lovely white ensemble, she reaches for the band-aid drawer and clumsily struggles with getting the band-out of it’s confusing cover and can’t seem to remove those darn tabs, then gives up, bloody hands up in defeat, frowning, blood everywhere.

Next shot: my band-aid invention, similar to a reinforcement dispenser from grade school (remember those, you pull on a tab and the punch hole reinforcement comes out?).

Next shot: another woman making dinner, same situation, instead, she smiles calmly and reaches for the dispenser and puts on the band-aid with no trouble at all, smiling, and goes back to cooking happily.

There would be a really good patronizing voice-over throughout. End.

I go through phases where I am more social, I’m going through that now, so that’s why you got to meet me. I have trouble in relationships and with people and communicating so like all love it ended and here I sit alone.

Kathryn Rawson July 27 at 4:15pm
Of course I love your informerical idea. Anything doused in blood is okay by me. Oh except my dinner, I would prefer that to not be doused in blood. Unless it's a very rare steak. Then it can be doused in a small amount of blood. But back to your idea, genius. Will you do something with it?

I too have problems with relationships and often sit here alone. I also find I get along better with men because I worry I am going to offend women or something. So I act weird around them like they are precious and can't handle my sarcasm. Then that makes me feel weird. Although to be fair, girls can be pretty annoying.

Rachel Kagan July 28 at 9:36am
I remember vividly that idea forming in my brain many, many years ago. I was at my dad’s and explained it in a most theatrical way. It was the first and last time I truly felt brilliant.

I have ideas and then I don’t do anything with them. Sad. Ambition, where did you go?

Relationships can be hard, particularly with women. We can be moody, snappish, jealous and hold grudges. I think I am improving with age as I learn from my mistakes and can better admit what my flaws are. Anyway, don’t let my mask of sarcasm fool you. Years of shyness, using humour as a defense mechanism, comparing myself to others, and closed-mindedness, have made it hard to be open (but not, apparently, at this particular vulnerable Facebook moment).

Kathryn Rawson July 28 at 11:17am
I don't think I ever have had any real ambition. As my mom used to say: for a smart girl you do such stupid things. Like nothing. I do a lot of that. I am trying to be a person that does more of something though. I am of course easing myself into it.

I am rarely fooled by sarcasm unless of course it is my own. That jerk fools me all the time. I often wonder how my life would be different if I was not a shy, anxious person but then I think life would be boring if I wasn't always so obsessed with the way I am living it. What would I think about if not that? How to solve the world's problems? Gross.

The way we perceive ourselves is often so different from the way others perceive us. I know that is an obvious thing to say but I am always surprised by it. I never would have described you as shy after our badminton war.

Rachel Kagan July 28 at 12:06pm
So true – the way we perceive ourselves is different from the way others view us. While it may be obvious, it’s easily forgotten. We put a magnifying glass on ourselves and assume others do the same, when in reality no one else does. Except our mothers. I sort of hope that critical-self-over-analysis goes away with age. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to be self-aware, just less crazy.

In truth, I had no intention of going to badminton that night as I have been in this weird dismissive mood of social gatherings lately so I forced myself to go and be social. I know it look natural but it was painful.

I can dish out the sarcasm likes there’s no tomorrow but sometimes I can be dense and not recognize when it’s dished to me. Don’t worry, I get your dishing of sarcasm and while I may be precious, I can handle it. But mostly I just enjoy it.

Kathryn Rawson July 28 at 2:54pm
I think I am getting less crazy.

People who know me really well think I am brash and sassy. Which is true but I am also incredibly reserved. Like the good half-German I should be. When I visited relatives in Germany last year I really enjoyed their cold, distant affection. I felt like I belonged. But then I had to come back to stupid Canada. Just kidding, I don't think Canada is stupid but I often think I would do better living in a different city.

I often force myself to go to social things because of the chance that something interesting might happen. That only happens 5% of the time. I also try to do things that are outside my comfort zone. Life is all about learning.

What are you most precious about?

Rachel Kagan July 28 at 5:12pm
I am most precious about my material possessions and my hair. Um, I guess I can just be sensitive and anxious about stuff like life, people, love, future, did I leave the iron plugged in, etc.

Like you wisely say, life is about learning and being open and I’m just trying to be better at that. My comfort zone is small and I don't like change so it's challenging. I really don’t want to be that person that is focused on love and crap but it’s hard when it’s all around and allegedly life is about companionship. I thought it was about food.

There are times to be brash and sassy and there are times to be reserved. People that are one or the other are weirdos. You seem balanced.

(Killer) Moves Toward Friendship

This involves spending more time with a person, usually in a group setting. And learning more intimate information.

Ahhh! I am expressing my fear regarding this stage in retrospect. Rachel and I were headed for our first human contact since meeting each other at badminton. We had been communicating for several weeks via email but gone would be the soft, gentle barrier of technology. We would have to make eye contact and talk into each others’ faces while hiding our anxiety about such situations and trying to seem as much like normal people as possible while punching all our crazy deep down inside to the pits of our beings.

This future we live in makes connecting with real people unnecessary and strange. It’s much easier to hide oneself behind an online profile. Real life interaction takes practice for some of us. But if the reward is friendship is it worth it? Quite possibly. All depending on the quality of this new friend of course. For a medium friend, I’m going to go with no. For a friend who can equal you in bear punnery, I’m going to say a resounding yes.

Rachel Kagan July 20 at 12:40pm
I find it hard to believe that you’re shy. I mean look at how much you’ve opened up to me and all it took was one badminton death match. I fully expect to be your bridesmaid.

Kathryn Rawson July 20 at 4:32pm
I have never seen a ghost but I do love horror movies about ghosts, even though they scare me terribly. I should stop watching them but I cannot help myself. I guess you could say I do ghost heroin. Besides who needs restful sleep? I'll tell you who, hippies.

I do agree with you on night goggles. I watched Paranormal Activity recently. The night vision accounted for at least 60% of the terror.

I am only shy in certain ways. Going from stalker to friend is one of them. It's just that I have been rejected so many times by stalkees. it has made me quite fragile.

Rachel Kagan July 21 at 10:25am
Sandra Bullock and Jennifer Aniston both have stalkers and they have the nerve to complain about it. Ungrateful. What’s wrong with a little attention? Hate them.

Kathryn Rawson July 21 at 11:49am
How will I know if I am a good person if I don't have a stalker? I need the attention of the world's weirdos to validate my existence. I guess fancy pantses like aniston and bullock think they're above that.

Rachel Kagan July 21 at 12:21pm
Ah, a question that’s been asked for generations by people just like us the world over. We're all looking for something - be it love, acceptance, self-respect - but really we are just looking to be stalked. It’s beautiful.

That said, I can validate your existence but only through Facebook. Which reminds me, let’s bring our laptops to Sarah’s party so we can communicate.

Kathryn Rawson July 21 at 2:06pm
Good call on bringing our laptops. I will not be able to look you in the eye. Years of stalking have made me eye gaze weary.

It's true, life is beautiful. But only if you have a stalker.

Do you know what I love about Facebook? having my mom as a 'friend'. Does it stop me from using words like 'skullfucking'? No. Should it? Maybe.

Rachel Kagan July 21 at 3:37pm
I feel conflicted and scared to see you again. On the one hand I want you to acknowledge me but on the other you are like an eclipse – I know I can’t look directly at you, but part of me wants to.

I have offered to get the cake for the party – 30% of the cake will be allocated to Sarah because it’s her birthday and the rest will be to celebrate our virtual-eye-averting-friendship, I think that’s a fair allocation given all there is to celebrate that day.

At least your mom knows how to write on your wall and supports you and your interests. My mom poked me once and then forgot about me.

Kathryn Rawson July 21 at 4:24pm
I also feel conflicted. perhaps I will wear my modesty veil. It goes great with my binding shoes. Did I fail to mention I am an anti-feminist? Well I am. Big time.

And remember, never stop laughing. Which incidentally is the title of my self-help book. It's going to be huge.

Rachel Kagan July 21 at 4:53pm
I would buy your self-help book. You are very comforting and consoling when you speak of the end of the world so I trust you implicitly. But to be clear, I’d buy your book but I wouldn’t look at you.

Kathryn Rawson July 22 at 11:00am
If I ever get plastic surgery I am going to make myself look like a tougher animal. Perhaps a bear. Doctor can you please add a bunch of fat below my waist? And maybe give me some fur all over? Just try looking at me then.

I will be documenting my transformation in my book Becoming Ursine. Alternate title: Bearly Human.

Rachel Kagan July 22 at 2:02pm
I don’t think I could look at you if you had that surgery. Too unbearable. Is it still a pun if it’s spelled right? I’m gonna try again because I like to beat a good joke right into the ground. Did you ever see the doc Grizzly Man? About Timothy Treadwell stalking bears? It would be barbearic of me to joke about this given the sad, disturbing nature of the film.

Kathryn Rawson July 22 at 4:22pm
You are quite the barbearian. I too like to beat jokes to death and beyond. I did see grizzly man. One of the things I enjoy most in this world is listening to werner herzog speak. "don't listen to the tape, june, don't listen to it". I am paraphrasing from memory. Yet still, magical.

Rachel Kagan July 23 at 9:33am
It is probably clear to you by now that sometimes I am not the most succinct. Except at parties where I am anti-social and hovering around wherever the champagne is.

Beating jokes to death is the best. I can’t think of any more bear jokes so I think it’s safe to say we murdered it. Murder! Your fave.

Kathryn Rawson July 23 at 11:41am
I do love a good murder. Of a joke or a face. Either one satisfies my need for violence. Face murder! There is nothing so good as seeing a face get murdered. Only a deserving face mind you. You know who I'm talking about. I don't care how old her face is, no mercy. [Betty White]

At parties I like to hover near the cheese plate if there is one. Then I like to eat enough cheese to almost die. It's just this thing I do. I call it, living life.

Rachel Kagan July 23 at 12:42pm
Sounds like you know a thing or two about living life. I eat my feelings in cheese. And let me tell you, I have a lot of feelings.

I always know who you are talking about. And she’s so old her first co-star was a Stegosaurus. Cheesy!

I sound like Milton effing Berle over here.

Kathryn Rawson July 23 at 2:52pm
Yah-ta-ta. that's what I believe to be an old-timey way of expressing a cheesy joke. I have a lot of beliefs about things. Only a small per cent of them are racist. Don't worry, my racism is all redhead-related. Which is funny because I occasionally get put into that category. Self-hatred, pretty average. I can't help it. My grandmother once told me that redheads are evil. Then she crossed herself and poured holy water on me. It only burned a little.

Rachel Kagan July 24 at 10:47am
So I think all our murder talk influenced the cake I got. I wanted badminton-related but due to a potentially racist situation I went with the opposite of that: kill-related. What I got is ridiculous.

From what I remember, you have nice hair. For a ginger.

Kathryn Rawson July 26 at 12:05pm
You totally murdered that cake. conceptually I mean. Although I thought it was kind of racist of you to only have a white hunter. But then I remembered that I am okay with that. Your racism I mean. I am a very accepting person. Actually I am more of an excepting person. I am not okay with many things. Too many to list. Racism and gun violence happen to be on my pass list. This world is a large, boring place. It would be so tiresome without a little bit of depravity. Let everyone else be good. I will continue to be a jerk. Are you with me?

Rachel Kagan July 26 at 12:36pm
I’m glad that it wasn’t too awkward when we saw each other live in person. Not to say it wasn’t. Obviously I was pretty uncomfortable but I was hiding it as best I could.

Kathryn Rawson July 26 at 2:06pm
I am also glad it wasn't too awkward. Usually I have alcohol to bolster me in uncomfortable situations. My cleanse leaves me exposed. Kale is no comfort to the socially awkward.

Friendly Relations and Mutual Hatred

William Rawlins defines the second stage of the friendship journey as “Moving beyond the rules of public interaction and into conversations that relates to someone else as a person, not just a job or role they are fulfilling. You learn more info about someone else, their likes and dislikes, whether they have any hobbies, etc.”

In the age of technology, it is almost easier to learn about someone else because there are no annoying people around to get in the way. Wait, that didn't come out right. What I mean is, you can take more time e-corresponding than you would if that conversation was live in person where you would have to actually see their facial expressions in response to the things you say, you know, like that time you called Betty White a skank. Seeing peoples' reactions to hearing the truth sometimes makes one self-conscious and less likely to share their likes and dislikes. In our case, it was dislikes. Having already determined that Betty was probably evil, we then learned that we also share a mutual hatred for good looking Hollywood couples, emoticons and overnight camp. A solid foundation to continue to pave our e-friendships' way.

Kathryn Rawson July 14 at 4:33pm
Sometimes I feel that my apocalypse enthusiasm is so all-consuming it must radiate from me. But then I remember that I have the coolness of a Russian spy when it comes to personal interaction so it makes sense that it's not completely obvious.

Some of the best e-friendships are based on mutual hatred. Fact of science.

Rachel Kagan July 15 at 9:59am
I wonder what else we mutually hate? I now hate Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz for getting married and being so sickeningly good looking and happy. Jerks.

I rented Zombieland last night. It painted a bleak picture of the future for when BW visits the infernal regions of St. Olaf, if you catch my drift.

How long have you been consumed by apocalypse enthusiasm?

Kathryn Rawson July 15 at 12:59pm
I hate those good-looking Spanish jerks too! Where do they get off with their on-screen chemistry that they have translated into a successful off-screen marriage. Where?

I have been consumed by the apocalypse since at least grade 7 when I wrote my first post-apocalyptic wasteland poem.

Rachel Kagan July 15 at 4:11pm
We have so much in common it’s scary.

The highlight of grade seven for me was probably seeing Drop Dead Fred on a double date. I was dumped shortly after. Oh, I also hate emoticons.

Kathryn Rawson July 16 at 10:28am
I once said I wanted the following on my tombstone: would rather have been horribly misunderstood and hated than to have used an emoticon. That was in my angrier days. Now I would go with something more simple like: I'm going to haunt all of you.

Do you also have some faded and yellowed loose leaf paper with poetry written on it?

It's hard not to get dumped after Drop Dead Fred. Its message of utter hopelessness would destroy any budding relationship. I got dumped in grade 7 for being too prudish. I was 12, what did he want from me? More than a kiss on the cheek apparently.

Rachel Kagan July 16 at 11:14am
:)*

No poetry, but I still have camp letters to my parents (one for each of them – thanks divorce for doubling my work load!). The young printing of those letters all demanded that I be picked up immediately as it was an awful place (it was beautiful). The letters usually had an added ps that said I loved the food and sailing and A&C. So conflicted.

In retrospect I wish that I had been a better camper instead of foreshadowing my future intolerance of people, particularly counselors. Did you go to camp? Some of my favourite movies are about camp.

*I hate myself for doing that.

Kathryn Rawson July 16 at 2:19pm
I went to Camp Tawingo as part of grade school. We only went for a few days. I remember they made us jog around in the freezing cold one morning in our pyjamas for being noisy. Even though I'm certain I was not responsible, being a shy, quiet child. Bastards! If I ever meet those assholes on a dark street they are totally going to be stabbed! First I will have to remember what the assholes looked like and who they were. But that is just a small detail.

I also had to pee so bad on the bus ride home I think I almost died. My memories of camp are not fond ones. Although I too love camp movies and the romanticized version of camp they present. Especially when there is some kind of murderer. Ahhh, murder! Is there anything more romantic?

p.s. your emoticon caused tears of blood to leak from my eyes.

Role Limited Interactions and B. Dubs

General public interactions governed by the rules of civility. In English this means just stuff like learning someone's name and general small talk. You are each still playing a role and not opening yourself up.

During the first stage of friendship we effectively learned each other's names, and then interpreted what William Rawlins refers to as the 'rules of civility' to naturally mean developing a mutual fake hatred for Betty White. After a brief discussion about the apocalypse, it was the eternal evilness of Betty White who brought us together.

Rachel Kagan July 6 at 1:05pm
Love the apocalyptic connection to the Golden Girls. But what if Betty White is immortal? She’s slippery like that.

Kathryn Rawson July 6 at 2:56pm
I think she is immortal in which case the apocalypse will never come. which is kind of a win-lose situation. Win: less deaths. Lose: more boring old earth.

Rachel Kagan July 7 at 4:21pm
There’s going to be an online debate about Betty White tomorrow on the Globe’s interweb. If we have to debate about Betty being fantastic vs. overdone then maybe it is the apocalypse.

Kathryn Rawson July 8 at 9:24am
Yes, that is definitely one of the signs of the apocalypse. or that the apocalypse desperately needs to happen. What hath we wrought?

Back to St. Olaf with you Betty White! She is for sure the harbinger of doom.

Rachel Kagan July 8 at 1:15pm
I can’t believe how quickly I’ve turned on Betty. But to be fair, she brought it onto herself.

Kathryn Rawson July 8 at 1:43pm
Betty is a fame whore. Or maybe just a whore.

Rachel Kagan July 8 at 3:32pm
Skank’s been married three times. Some of us haven’t even been married once. Selfish.

Kathryn Rawson July 8 at 4:42pm
With each passing message my hatred for betty white grows. She will pay dearly for her crimes against us.

Rachel Kagan July 9 at 12:58pm
And yet another reason to hate Betty Marion White (as if we need another) is that she got an Emmy nomination for her appearance on SNL. Tramp is going up against my bff Tina Fey. If she wins, it’s the apocalypse. Called it.

Kathryn Rawson July 9 at 2:12pm
Tf BW beats TF for an Emmy I will start the apocalypse myself. and then I will travel to other galaxies and start other apocalypses until nothing exists anymore. I think that's a reasonable response. I mean you've got to stand up for what you believe in. Else you are nothing but a coward. And this important guy [pointing at self] is no coward. But I'm sure you noticed that from the steely glint in my eyes.

The Friend Request

This is it you guys, this is the moment that Rachel and I became digital friends. Rachel loves communication so she emailed me first advising me that she was going to request my friendship on Facebook. I always appreciate a good warning of an impending change to my social life. A good start.

This was a big step for the both of us, what with our tendency toward social awkwardness, our hatred of people, and our general disdain for the implied phoniness of friendships carried out over a social networking site. It’s okay though because as it turned out, we would soon move our friendship outside of the digital world into the real world. A real world friend? What is this, 1998? Rachel and I are old school like that.

Rachel Kagan July 5 at 4:57pm
I really love when things are laminated. Badminton and laminators are a few of my favourite things. I also like graph paper, champagne and rotary phones. Now you know too much about me. And while I usually like to play competitive sports with someone at least twice before I friend request them, I may have to do it sooner given your acknowledgment of one of my best qualities, that being my irrational temper.

Kathryn Rawson July 5 at 10:40pm
Oh that's okay because I like the apocalypse, desert flora and decks of cards. Now we are even. I agree with your Facebook reticence yet I would have to approve your friendship request with extreme haste. I applaud your acceptance of your irrational behaviour, without it this world would be a boring place.

The Beginning

‘Twas the badminton that started this friendship you see blogged before you. It was a shared love for this sport that brought Rachel and I to Trinity-Bellwoods park in the summer of last year to play a tourney organized by a mutual friend. Rachel drank wine, I had a thirst for victory that no booze could quench. Not even tequila. Rachel and I were introduced, shared small pleasantries, then found ourselves on opposing teams. We faced each other across the badminton net and traded witty remarks as we fought savagely for court superiority. I instantly liked Rachel but have never been good at turning acquaintances into friends, I assumed we would see each other again at the park as badminton was meant to be a weekly event that would last all summer. Luckily Rachel is better than me at facilitating friendship (this is the only thing though). She messaged me on Facebook, determined to set a date for a re-match. I love it when people can write clever and grammatically correct emails, a rarity it seems. Rachel was a master at this and I was immediately impressed and intrigued.

Rachel Kagan July 5 at 12:02pm

Hi Kathryn,


We met at badminton last week during what I'm sure you'll agree was a v. tense badminton match. Dan and I have since exchanged some competitively-spirited messages regarding that big win so I am proposing a rematch. Obviously this can’t happen without you and your badminton moxie. Will you be there? Am I taking this too seriously? (Probably).


Rachel



Kathryn Rawson July 5 at 12:29pm
Hi Rachel,



There is no such thing as 'too seriously' in the world of badminton. though it pains me greatly to turn down a racquet-related challenge, I can't make it tomorrow night. But I will project my moxie-infused spirit to the court to rustle leaves and blow shuttlecocks awry.



I do apologize for my absence.



Yours in sport,


Kathryn

Rachel Kagan July 5 at 1:32pm
Dear Kathryn, while I don’t want to accept your apology - since this is a major blow to the World of Badminton - I’ll have to as I hate to be difficult (at least until I know you better). Hopefully we can shuttlecock-duel again soon, minus the part of the game where I throw my racquet to the ground in a fit of unsportsmanship fury.


Our rematch is now officially on hold as Dan also can't make it.


Until we cross raquets again,


Rachel

Kathryn Rawson July 5 at 3:01pm
Your unsportsmanlike fury is one of your best qualities. I mean, as far as I can tell. I am glad our re-match is on hold until we can all be in attendance. We have to make it a real match up, with psychologically threatening outfits, team names and severe punishment for the losers. I will make copies of our rules and laminate them.

Kathryn

Stages of Friendship According to a Communications Scientist

According to this guy, these are the stages of friendship:

1. Role-Limited Interactions
2. Friendly Relations
3. Moves Toward Friendship
4. Nascent Friendship
5. Stabilized Friendship
6. Waning Friendship

During the course of this blog, we will publish some of our messages that best fit each of these stages. But hopefully not that last stage.

Kath on Friendship aka Facebook is Everything

Rachel is so wrong she’s right. No actually she’s just wrong. She does get a little right toward the end. Technology can help to connect people that wouldn’t otherwise connect. At least some people. Awkward people, like Rachel. Fine, me too.

If it weren’t for Facebook, I’m not sure if Rachel and I would have become friends. We met in real life first but it was Facebook that helped us get to know each other. It was this barrier of technology that allowed us to feel safe enough to communicate freely. 

Asking someone to be your friend to their face or asking them anything can be a terrifying thing to the innately shy. Facebook reduces that terror to manageable levels. Of course you can still get rejected/hurt/traumatized through social networking but at least you can be alone when that happens and no one will see you cry.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a little bit of distance. Why does everyone always want to be so up in my face? Get out of my face and message me on facebook is my motto. Once we know each other better you can get into my face area. Not too close, this isn’t Italy.

These are the ideal steps to form a modern friendship:


1. Meet in real life.
2. See who makes the friend request first (this will set the power hierarchy for the friendship, it cannot be altered).
3. Begin some light communication. Make a racist joke, see if they are on board.
4a. If they are, make more inappropriate jokes. Mix in some personal information. Not too much!

4b. Make sure they are not a real racist.
5. Make a plan to meet in real life. Bring Punjabi Mix or other interesting snack to ease the tension and show that your friendship intentions are sincere.
6. Repeat step 5. Vary locations and snacks.
7. Success! You have a new friend. Take pride in your accomplishment. 


This is the method that Rachel and I used to become friends and at least one of us is grateful for the role Facebook played. The other of us hates everything and never admits when she’s wrong. Just kidding. That is just an acceptable level of trash-talking Rachel and I established through online communication. We both know that Facebook is always right.

Kaggers on Face-Friending

Since the purpose of this blog is to explore friendships in a digital age, we decided to each write essays on our thoughts on Facebook, particularly the ‘friend request’, which has become the new way to make friends in today’s’ modern and highly connected world. While we communicate more in the age of technology – with emails, texts and tweets – I think we communicate less. That is, less effectively, less understandably, and less meaningfully. For friendships to form and grow effectively, you need an effective form of communicating. I just wasn’t convinced that it could be possible to make a new friend and have thoughtful conversations with Facebook as the medium.

When I first joined Facebook, I spent most of my time ridiculing it. Everyone friend-requesting people they barely knew, writing on walls, commenting with abandon. I couldn't accept that this was what socializing had become so I ignored it, and with it, my social life. Recently and somewhat reluctantly I re-emerged on the social networking scene in an effort to expand my own social network. Yet I remained skeptical of Facebook helping me make a new “real” friend, not just another face-friend who would post a photo of a cat on my wall.

In some ways, it seems like it would be easier to make friends in this new technological age since you don't have to worry about real appearance. Everything is virtual! Forget making the wrong face, you have no face!

But then I remembered that I am still a three-dimensional being, just a pessimistic one who thought it would be harder to really get to know someone in a forum that seems to cater more to the instantaneous than to the thoughtful. But Facebook proved me wrong. Together, Facebook and I worked out our differences and solved our (my) problems. I owned up to being too dismissive of social technologies, and Facebook showed me it still cared by not cancelling my inactive account.

Here are the steps to making a new, real friend in this scary technological age:

1. Identify a suitable candidate
2. Friend-request them
3. Wait, growing paranoid with each passing moment that the friendship is not confirmed
4. Confirmation received, celebrate

It is at step #4 that the friendship process ends. I mean, in the Facebook word. In the real world it is possible to go further by:

5. Initiating an e-conversation
6. Taking an interest in the new scary person
7. Establishing regular contact that provides mutual enjoyment
8. Moving the friendship out of the virtual world and into the real world

Step #8 is scary but for the friendship to grow you must attempt a live encounter. This is a big step so don't rush. Having a real conversation is much more awkward in real time than e-time. Don't feel discouraged upon meeting your new friend and realizing that you are unable to make eye contact. And remember, conversation lulls are normal and how it used to be before internetting took over socializing.

The Purpose

This is a blog about friendships in the digital age. It is dedicated to examining the evolution of a friendship borne through facebook. That friendship is of Kath and Kaggers. And that evolution is nothing short of fascinating. By reviewing our messages (our letters) and other sources (less interesting but valid) we will examine the role that technology and social networking play in friendships.

You are about to embark on a journey of our journey so really we are all on this journey together, which should be reason enough to continue reading, but if for some crazy reason it is not enough, here is why you should read this blog:

1. Because it is INTERESTING. Who doesn’t email or facebook or text in today’s digital wonder that is our modern world? The way we communicate has fundamentally changed. Is it for the better? For the worst? Who knows! But during our friendship journey we will find out.

2. Because it is RELATABLE. We can all relate to the universality of friendships and to how technology has become the medium of choice in maintaining those friendships.

3. Because it is FUNNY. Mix equal parts comedy, satirical writing and sarcasm, throw in a dash of awkwardness and a generous pinch of moxie, and you have this blog. Also, we are modest.

Now that we’ve convinced you, please read on. The first part of this blog (about the stages of friendship) may be better understood if read chronologically, so from the bottom up, but we’re not your mother so we won’t tell you what to do.